Spirit in the Sky (just because it's a good song)

I spent my high school years planning the rest of my life. I was going to college, major in Special Education, graduate with my teaching degree, move away, meet a rich guy, get married, pop out a couple of kids, and spend the rest of my time enjoying my family and the life that I will have with them. Why do we always plan for the future instead of just enjoying today? After all, the future is NEVER what we plan and only predictable in the sense that it will be unpredictable.

I'm torn between going through with majoring in Special Education and becoming a writer. Throughout my whole life writing has been my passion. I'm not very good at talking my feelings out, but I never have trouble writing them. In real life, what you see is what you get (or so that's what everyone thinks), but on a piece of paper you can transform yourself. Say the things that you can not say otherwise; be anyone you want. I am the most honest version of myself on paper.

The dilemma: follow my passion and write like Anne Lammott and John Steinbeck, or continue with my major, get a job pretty much as soon as I graduate, and be happy, but not writing. I can only assume that I won't have much time for writing if I'm a Special Education Teacher. Maybe I should just plan to write a novel on the side.

I love working with some of the girls that I do. At my current job, I mean. Whenever I work with one in particular I always get a heartfelt story and some great advice. One night it was about my past relationships and hopefully my future ones. She told me that you don't have to love a person; love fades, diminishes, and shrivels up like a head of wilted lettuce. All you have to find is someone that you can't live without. I thought that I had found that person quite a while ago, but was proven wrong and discovered that I can, in fact, live without him. I am living without him right now and you know what? I'm fine. I do, however, hope to find that one person I can live apart from, but can't truly live without for the rest of my life. This same wonderful woman told me last night that I had to face my fears and learn to trust people. I haven't really ever learned to trust people. How can anyone really trust another person? The only thing that any of us can really trust in this world is that we are all human, different, and, because of the first two, we will all make mistakes at LEAST 90% of the time.

COMM 210

I had to give a speech today in my communication class. EPIC FAIL!! This was my opening line: "S... A... D (as I'm writing this on the board). Looks like an emotion, right? BUT... if you put these dots in between the letters it becomes an ACRONYM for Seasonal Affective Disorder!" You don't even want to know how the rest of the speech went. Oh well. You can't give a speech like Jesus EVERY time you walk up to the lectern.

I was in a surprisingly great mood today. I mean before my speech things were a bit rocky. I felt like I was going to throw up every five minutes or have a seizure from all of my nervous shaking. You know... it's really strange, when you think about it, as to why people get so nervous before giving a speech. I mean, all you're doing is talking to people. You do it every day unless you avoid people at all costs. And yet every time I walk up to the front of the class I contemplate jetting right out that door and running for my life. Or at least my dignity.

I've learned that whenever you get nervous the best thing you can do is laugh at yourself for being so nervous. Then, just so you're not alone, make the people around you laugh as well. Even if you're not quite laughing already, when other people laugh you can't help but go along with it.

The party last night was the most fun I've had in a while. No matter how much you tell yourself to grow up, no matter how much you come to terms with the fact that you are getting older there will always be that person inside you who wants to have fun, forces you to face your fears, and allows you to love someone else more than yourself. I always thought that Valentine's day was meant for the couples around me. Even when I was "allowed" to share this day with a significant other I couldn't enjoy it. Now I've learned that Valentine's day is meant for all the lovers in the world... and I LOVE my friends and family.

I use to not get along with my father. When I was young I resented him for being a smoker. I hated how my friends constantly complained about the smell of the house when he was at home. He also strived to be my friend rather than my father; I thought of my uncle as more of a father figure than my own dad. I began working with him and would often agree with my co-workers on how ridiculous my dad was being. As I've grown older my heart has begun to soften and now my dad will always have a special place in my heart. Even though he didn't have much to give I truly believe that he did the best with what he had. He's not perfect, but neither am I. You aren't either. We're always drawn towards perfection; however, it is impossible to attain it and an unrealistic goal for human beings.

It feels like home to me

Just when you think that you have everything figured out... life happens. Something jabs you in the side with what feels like a butter knife. That knife, while it seems to be a horrible punishment from karma or some other outside force, is what's going to save you. No one should walk through life trying to find meaning. Maybe life is just suppose to be lived; you can't live life always worrying about things that are completely out of your control or spend your time contemplating an answer to, most likely, insignificant coincidences. All that we can expect from ourselves is that we will make mistakes. That is the only thing we can count on each and every day.

Life doesn't last forever. Duh, right? The only thing most of us have in common is that we're all going to die. I'm pretty sure that someone famous said that, but I'm not sure who. It was probably Bob Dylan... and many of you who know me would assume that I'm the expert when it come's to Bob Dylan quotes. I've given up on trying to be an expert on anything. All you truly need is love... the Beatles wrote some form of that sentence.

While we're on the subject of love, how can one truly feel love for everyone in the world? I feel like I'm living a double life some days. I love my friends from high school. I would do anything for them as I am sure they would for me; however, I'm surrounded by people who are completely different from what I'm use to. And to tell you the truth I love them too. Do we have to make a choice as we grow up? Is it possible to keep close, or in contact at least, with everyone we love? As a future Special Education teacher I realize that I am going to have to take life more seriously and take care to the choices I make. I plan to clean up my facebook and make major adjustments to my lifestyle.

I feel so empty at this point. Right now I am only responsible for myself. I want someone who has needs that I can put above my own. I want someone to spend time with on a deeper lever, to have fun with, to love. Good things come to those who wait. I'm not rushing anything anymore. When I do it always puts me farther back.

Much love,
Jennifer