I spent my high school years planning the rest of my life. I was going to college, major in Special Education, graduate with my teaching degree, move away, meet a rich guy, get married, pop out a couple of kids, and spend the rest of my time enjoying my family and the life that I will have with them. Why do we always plan for the future instead of just enjoying today? After all, the future is NEVER what we plan and only predictable in the sense that it will be unpredictable.
I'm torn between going through with majoring in Special Education and becoming a writer. Throughout my whole life writing has been my passion. I'm not very good at talking my feelings out, but I never have trouble writing them. In real life, what you see is what you get (or so that's what everyone thinks), but on a piece of paper you can transform yourself. Say the things that you can not say otherwise; be anyone you want. I am the most honest version of myself on paper.
The dilemma: follow my passion and write like Anne Lammott and John Steinbeck, or continue with my major, get a job pretty much as soon as I graduate, and be happy, but not writing. I can only assume that I won't have much time for writing if I'm a Special Education Teacher. Maybe I should just plan to write a novel on the side.
I love working with some of the girls that I do. At my current job, I mean. Whenever I work with one in particular I always get a heartfelt story and some great advice. One night it was about my past relationships and hopefully my future ones. She told me that you don't have to love a person; love fades, diminishes, and shrivels up like a head of wilted lettuce. All you have to find is someone that you can't live without. I thought that I had found that person quite a while ago, but was proven wrong and discovered that I can, in fact, live without him. I am living without him right now and you know what? I'm fine. I do, however, hope to find that one person I can live apart from, but can't truly live without for the rest of my life. This same wonderful woman told me last night that I had to face my fears and learn to trust people. I haven't really ever learned to trust people. How can anyone really trust another person? The only thing that any of us can really trust in this world is that we are all human, different, and, because of the first two, we will all make mistakes at LEAST 90% of the time.